Quick short and hot on a slow long cool subject.

Pretty often, I think that the main thing is just finding ways to have More energy.

Today I’m feeling that it’s more complicated.

I dosed on the threonate on Thursday night, slept real deep, and had abundant energy all day Friday. The kind of energy that reminded me of a manic state, but wasn’t, exactly. I felt smooth instead of jagged. I felt smart and purposeful without the feral part. Insightful in a practical way.

I took it again Friday night and again went down for eight pure hours.

I’m writing this Saturday from a place that is much lower, but … again, sorta, I’m not depressed in any usual way. Just … uncommonly chilled out, and much less driven or purposeful.

I’ve gone long periods of my life ‘Undiagnosed’. There was that whole physiological thing that didn’t happen for me until I was belatedly diagnosed about eight years after the fact–what should have been the obvious fact. But I think about whether or not I’m on the autistical spectrum. And, in this context, whether I ‘am’ what they used to call ‘manic-depressive’. Whether I ‘have’ a ‘mental illness’ …

But in practical terms these questions kinda bore me now, or seem pointless in a way that the endocrine dysfunction definitely never did.

I don’t feel as though having any particular label to slap on my psychology would do much for me. The modern allopathic approach to these things is: take this pill and oh by the way, talk to someone.

I already addressed the talking part. As for pills, I don’t want or need them. I have lots of treatment regimens to play with for myself that aren’t bound to the broken system. The magnesium is a good example. So too would be ayahuasca, purely natural and less legal risk to it every day. That would be fun. Acid was really fun, but tch tch mijito–that was a purely artificial one, that wasn’t available in the Magdalenian; thus now by your own standards, it’s problematic.

What I am, by my own reckoning, is one of the sanest of the mad

and that is diagnosis enough to satisfy me for the endgame of a life.