{"id":2957,"date":"2022-02-04T21:08:27","date_gmt":"2022-02-05T04:08:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/?p=2957"},"modified":"2022-02-04T21:14:40","modified_gmt":"2022-02-05T04:14:40","slug":"kampfing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/2022\/02\/04\/kampfing\/","title":{"rendered":"Kampfing"},"content":{"rendered":"

This morning in real time, the question was put to me:
\n
\n‘What the hell is wrong with you!?’<\/em><\/p>\n

The emotional toxicity of it aside, the query has a real answer. It is worth trying to figure out what that real answer is. <\/p>\n

The working hypothesis to the experimental interrogation is something along the lines of, well, I have an attachment disorder. <\/p>\n

As I wrote those two words I felt like they sounded familiar and so I went to go see if they were a real thing. <\/p>\n

Result: yes. They were not something I can claim as original, as I had briefly hoped. <\/p>\n

“An attachment disorder is a type of mood or behavioral disorder that affects a person’s ability to form and maintain relationships. These disorders typically develop in childhood. They can result when a child is unable to have a consistent emotional connection with a parent or primary caregiver.”<\/p>\n

True enough, although explained that clinically, I think my diagnosis would be for a relatively mild case, and also for an unusually intricate form of it. Which is to say, I’ve formed and maintained, with varying success, a lot of relationships. <\/p>\n

But there is also no doubt that my ability to do so has been affected adversely, by whatever the hell is wrong with me. <\/p>\n

And that anyone who has ever left me a voice mail and waited days or weeks for it to be replied-to would agree. <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Maybe it would be helpful to note that if you’re reading this, you’re not one of the people who are still waiting. <\/p>\n

I went out and ate, came back and took a shower and some naproxen, and wrote the above. Then I sought solace between the sheets for a extended nap. <\/p>\n

All of which did at least take out the headache, and left me on the far ponent shore of sundown. <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

I got to thinking about Attachment by watching and sharing this.<\/p>\n

How Childhood Trauma Leads to Addiction – Gabor Mat\u00e9<\/a><\/p>\n

Mate’ says that our two basic human needs are for attachment and autonomy. <\/p>\n

And that, when the two needs conflict, autonomy and trusting our guts will always lose out, because obtaining attachment is as basic to human survival as breath or water. <\/p>\n

There are two other essential concepts in what he has to say here, and these are addiction, and trauma. <\/p>\n

As I understand it, an addiction can be to anything or any behavior, but it will always be about recovering a feeling of love and belonging, the pleasure of being attached. It is always a solution in the short term, but it’s not an addiction unless it also has long-term negative consequences. <\/p>\n

So: as far as I know, my deeply ingrained coffee habit isn’t an addiction, because there’s no downside. It’s just pleasure. <\/p>\n

Trauma, says Mate’, isn’t what happens to us, but what happens inside us as a result. We become addicted to one behavior or another because the pleasure of that addiction effectively soothes the lingering trauma.<\/p>\n

People don’t get addicted to solutions that don’t work for them. Only to ones that do. <\/p>\n

“The loss of self is the essence of trauma.” Reconnecting to that lost self is the essence of recovery. <\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

An hour after waking late, the cats are fed.<\/p>\n

This includes the two real house cats, the three nominal indoor hospital cases, the two regular barn cats, and the black and white Syl who supposedly has a home on the next block, but is spending more and more time here where the kibble and the healing flow freely. <\/p>\n

The films will flow too.<\/p>\n

I also am fed, and caffeinated, and nictotined in the non-ideal way, and clean, and warm. And I have now spilled properly as I have all this year, partly because I have a loving attachment obligation now, to my very real patrons, and I’m taking that responsibility with great seriousness. <\/p>\n

To the three of you in particular, thank you again from the bottom of my heart. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This morning in real time, the question was put to me: ‘What the hell is wrong with you!?’ The emotional toxicity of it aside, the query has a real answer. It is worth trying to figure out what that real answer is. The working hypothesis to the experimental interrogation is something along the lines of, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_hide_featured_image":false,"_jetpack_featured_image_duplicate_dismissed":0,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2957","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2957","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2957"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2957\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2959,"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2957\/revisions\/2959"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2957"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2957"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2957"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}