When I said Friday was the worst of it, I meant that I’ve been feeling unproud, and bad at life. <\/p>\n
Those things are rooted in my ancient trauma, and in the new experience of having no money (or prospects) again. <\/p>\n
The latest dream was wish fulfillment that fixed all of it at once. <\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
I was at some kind of conference and I completed a challenge that had to do with taking five different computer components from a glass box and hooking them up in a very short time, which I did. Then, the sixth component was a keychain with a car booper. I pressed it repeatedly and I listened carefully for the answering sound. <\/p>\n
Long story short, it was to the RME, which was magically in the parking lot, all fixed and cleaned and detailed. <\/p>\n
Without me having to go back to Utah to rescue it and pay for the fix with money I don’t have. <\/p>\n
This was about being good at some specific thing, and being rewarded for it with some unrelated thing, and feeling good about that. <\/p>\n
Then, right afterwards, apparently impressed, a guy came up to me and offered me six figures to join his tech startup. Big money to essentially be the public face of his flagship product. <\/p>\n
This was about not just being rewarded for being good at something, but also recognized as a valuable asset. <\/p>\n
Even more important, or that’s the way it felt.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
None of it is true. I’m still less than poor, and I’m still quite damaged in the head by the old and new things.<\/p>\n
But I do feel ever so slightly better, anyway. <\/p>\n
Thank you, subconscious mind.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
I don’t want six figures really. And especially not for being some CEO’s hand puppet and shilling for him. <\/p>\n
But it would be great to be asked!<\/p>\n
Maybe even to be that wrong person for six months or a year to get the ship steering straight again …<\/p>\n
But none of that is real. <\/p>\n
It seems I will have to find another way back to feeling better.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
When I said Friday was the worst of it, I meant that I’ve been feeling unproud, and bad at life. Those things are rooted in my ancient trauma, and in the new experience of having no money (or prospects) again. The latest dream was wish fulfillment that fixed all of it at once. *** I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10778","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10778","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10778"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10778\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10779,"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10778\/revisions\/10779"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10778"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10778"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vairtere.com\/spill\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10778"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}